indefinitexme

BUST IT, BABY.

2008-06-30T17:10:08Z

i'm not counting on you reading this, so here goes...

i dig you. i don't know why, but i do. you intrigue me. now, there are times when i don't like you and everything is 'whatever', but i think deep down inside, i do. there's about 95% of me that is certain nothing could come out of this but that 5% thinks otherwise. i feel that the times i don't like you is primarily because i don't want to get hurt by you, or rather by myself for feeling anything for you.

but i know i'm not trippin when you say things or act a certain way. your actions can be interpreted in many ways, and i hate it, but i love it.

dammit.

NEW LIFE.

2008-06-19T00:17:17Z

it's been over two years since i've last written.

as i read through my past entries, i can't help but to think of how much things have changed. my mind, my life, my surroundings... everything.

anyway, i wanted to write about something, but i'm at work so my time is very limited. another day!

everything counts in large amounts.

2006-04-23T20:15:25Z

i've spent these last two days away from los angeles.

.drinking shots of jagermeister
.smoking (not too much though)
.sleeping
.eating
.renting movies
.enjoying myself

i need more days like this.

i need more days like this, away from you.

sometimes, i'd rather not try but i know it is the key to my success in this adventure.

you have only one choice.

2006-04-22T03:41:35Z

hmm...

hmm...

hmm...

hmm...

i'm kind of tired.

i'm feeling uncomfortably different. as in, i notice myself changing. i haven't been as attached to situations/people/stuff as i used to be. when something happens, it happens, and i'm over it. it's a weird feeling, but i do indeed like it.

whatever. (and that is exactly how it ends).

i feel good.

is this thing on?

2006-03-28T15:57:38Z

i'm stealing the internet.

besides, this world should practice the act of sharing.

remember.

2005-11-17T18:15:59Z

despite what happened last night, i still hate you.

tingle?

2005-11-14T20:22:39Z

i'm not sure what's going on... am i taking things the wrong way or reading it in such a different manner?

funny how actions can be interpreted in so many different ways.

oh well, i guess we'll see.

on other news, i'm not feeling well. i believe our internet here at work is going to be shut down, or at least, restricted from our floor to use. kinda sucks because i like having it around.

geez, i can't get that look you gave me out of my mind.

bela lugosi's dead.

2005-11-11T22:12:57Z

i'm dead.

just a quickie

2005-11-11T00:40:49Z

i love my job. i'm digging the apartment (even with all the 'excess baggage' it may come with). i figured my future (still a bit tentative but sounding real good to me)... i want to get into production or game development.

what else?

things aren't bad at all. not so much anyway.

tu mama me ama.

2005-10-16T04:35:57Z

screw it.

fortsetzen.

2005-10-08T18:28:42Z

i am in love again.

(well, not entirely, and maybe not even close but i feel a little something. let's emphasize the word little. i'm still keeping my guard up.)

we spoke for a cool minute today. i got to know him a little better. i found out he is 21, birthday is january. i always thought he was 25 or something. he's so hot.

~~and i know some old feelings are coming back.~~

they're old for a reason.

the hand that feeds.

2005-10-02T09:18:41Z

i saw nine inch nails tonight.

beautiful.

(i spent 200 bucks though all day. conclusion: well worth it.)

let me hear you say this shit is bananas.

2005-09-30T20:04:54Z

it's been a while since i've updated but granted the times i am home, i am not awake or preoccupied. but it still remains that i, out of all my wonderful friends, am the only one who updates frequently. tsk tsk, ya'll.

haha... so i believe i am going to the nine inch nails concert tomorrow. this should be exciting. i hope we get good seats.

i bought myself a new cellphone. i cannot wait for that to come in the mail on monday.

hmm, i don't feel like this.

your eyes tell the story.

2005-09-21T04:21:55Z

i took the long way home today... aka, the streets.

i contemplated on getting gas and decided i would do so before leaving to work.

i get home and smoked a bowl.

i open the door to my apartment (from my garage)...

and there go the lights.

yes, my power went out. so, i made a sandwich and ate some ice cream. i was on the phone for a bit and then fell asleep around eleven. i woke up and my parents were home and it was five-ish in the afternoon. i passed out... and it was good. it's nine twenty and i need to get gas before i leave. bah... i feel lazy.

indefinitexme @ 2005-09-18T11:36:00

2005-09-18T18:39:50Z

it happened, again.

the mind fuck.

so, you know what i did? i smoked myself out, not too much, just enough to get by. it worked. i got home, came online, was gonna play doom [tres] but got scared, so i quit, ate, and then watched kung fu hustle (in thai and in which was hilarious), with my parents... and ate some more. life is good... but i don't want to do this everyday.

wonderland.

2005-09-17T16:58:05Z

i've been thinking a lot about things... and a lot of things i sure don't need to be thinking of.

shake my head, clear my mind...

i don't need that shit. i thought i did, but i know i don't.

pucker up and kiss the asphault now.

2005-09-15T19:18:45Z

before, i had more of a desire to blog, and mind you i still do but i lack the energy.

i still love work though. i can feel it creeping upon me... the feeling of getting bored, or just getting too tired of it. i don't want to... but check it, i'm going to apply to EA Games after this job. i hope i get that job too. i just want to pay off my bills, then work for spare change... and save! you know, it'd be nice to get what you want, so if i save after all these bills (well, i'm going to try and put aside a few bucks every check for either saving or just emergency) then i'd be able to pay off my car faster, help my parents pay off their bills, and get the things i want... i hope it all works out.

i'm loving it.

every single bit.

bottles in an iv loitering.

2005-09-14T17:08:08Z

hungry... tired... hungry... tired...

god, i am KILLING myself...

but i love it. <3

it's much more rewarding than it feels.

must i lie?

2005-09-13T17:15:19Z

i rear ended someone today and i hope we won't have to go through insurance for such minor damage... my license plate scratched some paint off his bumper.

*sigh* i'm stupid.

send transmission to the one armed scissor.

2005-09-12T22:27:14Z

i want to make it clear, though, that i am no one to say anything about anyone nor the events of this world. i understand also that my views are not going to be accepted by everyone but can only hope that they will be respected. i do not want to argue nor debate over anything, this is simply a place to let shit out. the things i've said and feel are all from observation and thoughts.

cut away.

2005-09-12T11:04:39Z

life is so complicated, in the most amazing way ever. i have deep thoughts, many, and it was nice sharing them with someone who listened and thought about what i said. i know, for a fact (and this is primarily because i do it to a lot of people), that the things people talk about can go over someone's head so easily. it's lame and stupid that we as people do not take the time to soak in other people's views or just thoughts period, but we are all selfish people, in some way or another.

yes, it is a cut-throat world and yes everyone must ultimately be able to stand for themselves, but why does it have to be so... terrible? honestly, i do not pay much attention to what is going on in the world. i do not read the paper or watch the news... a lot of the shit i know are from overheard conversations or just word of mouth. yes, i understand that knowing or being aware of the events that are taking place are very important (since they affect us so greatly) but knowing and being aware also brings fear. things happen, and again it is unfortunate, but do you like being in an environment where fear is so strong and widespread that it completely changes your way of living? for example, the 9/11 attacks convinced a lot of people to watch out for these "terrorist", who was basically anyone that had distinct middle-eastern features. what kind of shit is that? it is so ridiculous... paranoia (and money) drives many people. it is very sick, but then again, it is the reality of things.

my views, i know, would and will always be looked down upon by someone. people will always judge me (and everyone else, period) regardless of how i act or think. i am not perfect... in fact, i'm terrible but i can acknowledge that fact and say that i am a hypocrite and will do all these things. when i say "all these things", i mean, all these things. fuck, we spend all our time pointing out the flaws of everyone when we really need to take a step back and look at ours. beyond that, we need to be open minded enough to listen and try to comprehend everything. yes, that is a far fetched dream, but everyone has a reason. i will use 9/11 as another example: we look at the terrorist attack and automatically say all these radical things about the people behind it. now, it was very unfortunate but take a look at the otherside... those kamakazi's took their own life for something they believed in. yes, they killed a lot of people but how many people in this world would actually take their life to make a statement? i believe there is a good amount but still very few in comparison.

i know, i sound very inconsiderate or just straight out ridiculous (to some) but really... really. killing people is not an answer but it sure does catch everyone's attention. there are so many people populating this earth and how many deaths do we hear about? or better, which deaths do we hear about? you have the kamakazi planes taking out the trade centers, an event that happened 5 years ago, which took away many lives and brought the nation together to mourn and pretty much contribute money to such a disaster. valid? yes. now, for example, you have different families with low incomes having someone they love killed. is it a disaster? yes. is it a disaster to the nation? honestly, no. will the nation contribute money to these low income family to help them out? no. ---what makes this any different from 9/11? is it the quantity? is it the fact that it ruined a huge building of "importance"? if you think about it and take every single person that was in that building and have them be killed individually (at random times), how important is it then?

the news will show a lot of random murders during their broadcasts but out of a city containing about 4 million people with almost 700 murders (figures rounded up from 2002), oh, i would say not even half of those murders are recognized but have about 2500 people in two large buildings get murdered at once, in a city with a population of more than 8 million people, and it's a major deal. do not get me wrong, it is, but it happened once (of course not to say it wouldn't happen again, cause anything is possible) and these local murders happen daily to so many people.

okay, not everyone wants to have their family deaths announced to the world but is this all just not unfair? i do acknowledge that there are a lot of people who help families out and the news sometimes posts up places to contribute but the nation is not going to readily help out these families who need the money for funeral costs and such. well, what do we have here? you have many people throwing money out to these families for 9/11 through different orginizations, which again is great, but what you don't know won't hurt you, right? so, how much of this collected money will 100% go out to these families? i'm sure maybe a couple or a few, but one person's loss is another person's gain. which brings me to this thought, that i will make short. it irritated me so much that during this time people had the nerve to go around selling FLAGS or anything patriotic for profit. how fucking corrupt, or just sick, are we that we will try to come together as a nation and support (or represent even) it by buying all things patriotic. do you get the point i'm making? people spent a good amount of money buying these things, cool... whatever, but who are they supporting by waving those flags? not you, not me... the merchants. we're so money hungry that we will take any unfortunate event and somehow make money off it. sickness.

i am very ignorant to this world around me. i won't lie... i don't know what people are talking about half the time because i choose not to educate myself about these things. blah blah, it's bad i don't know, yes. BUT it's not for me. i'm sorry but why should i fake my attention to something that i don't know or really care to know about. i'll get heated up for an issue that will either never get fixed or take a good long time to get fixed. yes, a little can go a long way, but there are so many minds to open and not enough time. besides that, it is nearly impossible. i feel strongly about that. if it happens, i won't be around to see it.

all of these things i spoke of are highly sensitive issues to a good majority of the world. many take it heavily but many take it lightly as well. this world is just so unfair and so corrupt... i'm so speechless sometimes.

i am trying to end this, but this (rhetorical) question must be asked: why must a problem be a disaster in order for the world to recognize it? no, not every problem can be fixed, but disregarding all the little things will lead to such events.

BAH!

judge me if you want, i said what i said and i'll think what i think. now, i'm not going to go all out and protest and shit like that, in fact, i probably won't touch this subject again, but shit... relax. there are honeslty some things we can prevent, but a lot that will not be done. why? "we don't have the resources...", i call bullshit. okay, i don't know much, but from what i observe, we have a lot of money being used for shit. the new generation of kids are going to suffer. it is not just one thing, either. it is EVERYTHING. lower quality schools to lower income areas? what? these kids have no potential because they don't have money? i pay taxes, and i sure as hell don't like it, but if i actually saw it going to good use, i guess it wouldn't be so bad. i'm really unclear about how taxes work but is the money not suppose to be used for improvement, of any sort? i do not enjoy going to school but i do not agree that our community college classes went from $11/unit to $28/unit... all within a year or more. how ridiculous... there are people who do not qualify for financial aid but can afford the $11 per unit deal. now, $28 per unit... i'm sorry. that is just raping everyone in the ass. "if there is a will, there is a way." ah, so true but sometimes there just isn't a way. my assistant manager at my old job couldn't even go to school this semester because he couldn't afford it. everyone is caught in financial problems, whether it be their own fault or that is just the way things are. i'm not saying give everyone free money, because no one would learn. it would be nice but this ain't no silver platter we're sitting on. i know i've dug myself into a financial hole, but i'm trying to get out of it. i acknowledge that it was stupid of me to do so but i needed to, to learn. it's stressful and sometimes i can't handle it (although i am holding up fairly well now) but i got myself here so i need to get myself out. anyway, a lot of people here don't have much and sometimes school is there only hope for something better. i don't feel school is for me, not now anyway, but there are people who didn't have much and are making the most of it. i secretly envy people who go to school and accomplish what they want. i wish i had the drive, but i'm so stubborn, i want to prove my parents and family that i don't need to go to school to succeed. it's dumb and retarded but a degree can only take you so far. i don't want to be miserable at a job and i really don't want to get a degree and just have it collect dust on my wall and remind of all the time i spent learning a great deal of one particular subject or field, only not to use it. again, school could be a great thing for a lot of people, and it is, but not for me. i don't listen well and lose interest fast... i can't help it, but when i'm ready, i'll go.

well, that got personal, didn't it?

i am so mixed about everything, i don't know if anything i wrote makes sense to anyone. mind you, i haven't slept in 24 hours and there is so much that could be said. ugh... over-drive. i'm going to sleep before i get any deeper.

but don't forget: i'm the bad guy and so are you, you, and you. the only good guy here... well, i'm still waiting to find out.

i'm done.

son et lumiere.

2005-09-10T17:48:11Z

i've been at my sister's this past week. anything new to say? aside from the fact that my body hurts like fucking hell? nope... well, except this:

cedric was eating at the table next to me, at this sushi place last night. we made eye contact a couple times, ...hawt. with that said, i leave some lyrics behind.

Clipside of the pinkeye flight
I'm not the percent you think survives
I need sanctuary in the pages of this book
Gestating with all the other rats
Nurse said that my skin will need a graft
I am of pockmarked shapes
The vermin you need to loathe

photograph.

2005-09-08T04:26:40Z

hmm, i did not go to counseling today, nor did i do anything productive (except move those large bins of trash that get picked up everyday). i slept a few hours and woke up shortly. it's insane really, i probably sleep like 5 hours and then i wake up and just stay up. this is so not healthy but then again, when was i ever concerned?

happy birthday erica!

giggity giggity giggity!

ah, another day.

2005-09-06T16:46:29Z

i am at my sister's house.

finally... alone time. i got my greens ready and a packed fridge.

maybe i'll come to some peace of mind?

and vero, let's not get started with who drinks too much 'round here... i'm sure you can out drink me ANYDAY! ;]

whoa whoa... whoa.

2005-09-05T16:44:01Z

so, i thought i got drunk last weekend... NOPE. i was fucking HAMMERED last night.

H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D.

here is how the night started: i woke up from a long ass sleep. the night before i was working and when i got home from work, i went to fry's with my parents and then to go eat. came home, not sure what i did but passed out shortly. yaz calls me and asks me if i'm gonna flake out on her, but i didn't so i got up and ready. she was picking me up. albert (yaz's dad's girlfriend's son) ended up joining the party, so he was driving. we arrive, somewhat faded, and got stood around. there were a lot more people there than last week, but there was also a wet t-shirt contest (which was weak) going on. uh, so we drank, drank, danced, danced, drank, danced, etc... i was getting drunk as hell. it was close to 2:30am so we went outside. then i was told some chick wanted to make out with me, but i was way to drunk to respond. i was sitting outside of the club on the floor and the security guard came out and told us we couldn't be seated down so i got up and then i blacked out. right after i came back to life, i told albert to come with me cause i had to yack and i sure did. i didn't barf a storm cause luckily all the food i hate ate digested by the time i got to the club.

let's see what i had to drink last night:

2 Scooby Snacks (which ended up being a Pina Colada)
1 Long Island Iced Tea (make that 1 1/2 since i drank half of yaz's)
1 Adios (Motherfuckers) (let's make this one 1 1/2 since i drank half of yaz's again)

oh man. and you know, i wasn't gonna drink. i have no idea what happened... but the best part was seeing yaz pretty buzzed.

so, anyway, we were gonna go eat but i was pretty passed out in the backseat so they took me home. i had yaz come up stairs with me (since she was also getting her game) and i just fell on the couch and told her to close the door when she left. i kept waking up (the more the alcohol went away) and changed and everything. i was still pretty dizzy so i wasn't trying to do things all heavy and hard.

surprisingly, i am up and awake. no hang over really and not too tired. i thought that was weird. oh well, i'm gonna do some things and then go back to sleep, maybe. then it is off to work!

wow, i danced a LOT last night.